Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
[x]

deviantART

 
About Me Member DA Addict Koriana15/Female/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 2 Years
Needs Premium Membership
Statistics 199 Deviations
8,527 Comments
26,572 Pageviews
[x]

help?

Journal Entry: Mon Nov 16, 2009, 6:16 PM
The last month or so, I've been really depressed. I clammed up. I refused to mingle with other people. I've always had terrible social skills, but all of the sudden I felt like I was transparent, like people could see my thoughts and how hard it was for me to say some simple words. I didn't know what to do when strangers would walk up to me and try to start a conversation, and eventually, they stopped talking to me altogether.

Today I woke up and I felt really good. I thought, "Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe I can actually start talking without feeling like I might be sick."

So I went to school. I didn't pay attention to lessons, I read books, and I still had the same problem when I got to lunch. I disregarded it, thought it was something I'll need to start getting into, some rut that I haven't quite found.

So I went home, sat down on my bed, and thought. I thought about how I'm expected to make good grades, I thought about how little time I have for myself anymore. I thought about how much I wish I could hang out with my friends at school and started feeling guilty for choosing my friend at another school over them. I thought about graduation and college. And that's where my thoughts stopped. After high school, I have no idea want I want to do. I have no ambition to be anything. I wanted to be a mangaka, but in the last few weeks I realized that I'm cut out to draw comic books for a living.

I ate dinner and walked my driveway. I thought about my imaginary friends and how I wish I had superpowers. I thought about how I wish something spontaneous and amazing would happen in my life. I thought about bloodletting... which stopped working for me shortly after 9th grade started. I thought about my sexuality and if I even liked anybody... and I realized that I don't. I don't think I've ever really liked anybody. Rejection has taught me to close my heart and when it actually opens, it blossoms so much that I think I LOVE the people who accept me.

So I went back into my house and took a shower. I made some popcorn. I read the end of my book. Then I came out and sat down on the computer, and I suddenly felt like I was falling into a dark, bottomless tunnel.

So now I'm here, asking everyone who reads this to contribute some kind of solution. I do NOT want to go to my parents. I do NOT want to take drugs to make myself feel better. I just want somebody to talk to every once in a while so I don't feel like I'm falling apart... I'd really, really love to tell my friends how I feel, but I'm so afraid of the wierd looks, how you might say that you feel the same way as I do and that I need to suck it up... I always get freaked out about what people think of me...

So maybe someone knows some constructive way to make myself feel better? XD...

  • Mood: Crazy

deviantID

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: The deepest darkest corner of my imagination. *insane laughter*
  • Interests: Drawing, Music, Reading, Writing
  • Favourite movie: Repo! The Genetic Opera
  • Favourite band or musician: The Birthday Massacre, Emilie Autumn, Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance, Slipknot
  • Favourite genre of music: Electronica, Industrial, Metal, Techno, Visual Kei
  • Favourite style of art: Anime/Manga
  • MP3 player of choice: iPod
  • Favourite cartoon character: Aido, Hikaru, Kaname, Kaoru, L, Lucy, Raito, Zero
  • Personal Quote: I like pie! ^3^
  • Tools of the Trade: Caran d'Aches, Faber-Castells, Mechanical pencil, Sakura Pens, Sharpies

deviantART Community Board

[x]

Webcam

Comments


:iconhippie1936:
thanks for the fav
:dance:

--
love is worth a chance!!!

unless i tell you otherwise all notes are not to be taken seriously.....
.....unless it's about art, or love (that's you cml-ish-i)
:iconjessistheawesomest:
uhh quick question...

could you possibly draw me a picture?
:iconnonokasx2:
thanks for the fav ^^

--
...if you've attempted alchemy by clapping your hands or drawing an array, copy and paste this to your signature!!!....lol
---------//-------------
"When life gives you lemons, make grapejuice and let the world figure out how you did it "
:iconwierdcat:
Wow! That is some nice work you do!
:iconnaniroxy:
ooh~ What a really nice gallery you have!

--
Icon by ~Shioiri XD thank yous~ :heart:
--
You know your art is good when you start getting art thieves and flamers *laughs hysterically*

Site Map