The last month or so, I've been really depressed. I clammed up. I refused to mingle with other people. I've always had terrible social skills, but all of the sudden I felt like I was transparent, like people could see my thoughts and how hard it was for me to say some simple words. I didn't know what to do when strangers would walk up to me and try to start a conversation, and eventually, they stopped talking to me altogether.

Today I woke up and I felt really good. I thought, "Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe I can actually start talking without feeling like I might be sick."

So I went to school. I didn't pay attention to lessons, I read books, and I still had the same problem when I got to lunch. I disregarded it, thought it was something I'll need to start getting into, some rut that I haven't quite found.

So I went home, sat down on my bed, and thought. I thought about how I'm expected to make good grades, I thought about how little time I have for myself anymore. I thought about how much I wish I could hang out with my friends at school and started feeling guilty for choosing my friend at another school over them. I thought about graduation and college. And that's where my thoughts stopped. After high school, I have no idea want I want to do. I have no ambition to be anything. I wanted to be a mangaka, but in the last few weeks I realized that I'm cut out to draw comic books for a living.

I ate dinner and walked my driveway. I thought about my imaginary friends and how I wish I had superpowers. I thought about how I wish something spontaneous and amazing would happen in my life. I thought about bloodletting... which stopped working for me shortly after 9th grade started. I thought about my sexuality and if I even liked anybody... and I realized that I don't. I don't think I've ever really liked anybody. Rejection has taught me to close my heart and when it actually opens, it blossoms so much that I think I LOVE the people who accept me.

So I went back into my house and took a shower. I made some popcorn. I read the end of my book. Then I came out and sat down on the computer, and I suddenly felt like I was falling into a dark, bottomless tunnel.

So now I'm here, asking everyone who reads this to contribute some kind of solution. I do NOT want to go to my parents. I do NOT want to take drugs to make myself feel better. I just want somebody to talk to every once in a while so I don't feel like I'm falling apart... I'd really, really love to tell my friends how I feel, but I'm so afraid of the wierd looks, how you might say that you feel the same way as I do and that I need to suck it up... I always get freaked out about what people think of me...

So maybe someone knows some constructive way to make myself feel better? XD...