Life. Ugh.

So my brother got the frikkin swine flu... And gave it to my mother. Oh joy.

Stupid moron doesn't even wash his hands. >>; He has to be told to wash his stupid nasty hands. Now his germs are probably on EVERYTHING because, oh noes, the Xbox 360 is now all of the sudden boring, and he doesn't find self-confinement in his bedroom all that intersesting. *_*

So even though I've told him specifically not to get me sick, that I have a driving lab on Monday, I'm expecting to get sick by tomorrow. >>;

I think if I get his swine flu, I'm going to force myself to go to school on Monday anyway... I am not waiting another four weeks to do the lab just because he's going to be an inconsiderate moron...

I don't want to get sick at all because I feel like I'm behind for weeks, and I actually have better grades than usual...

Anyways.

My dad let me drive earlier (it's actually becoming a weekly thing, my goodness X_X;.) I feel pretty bored now, and I find myself staring at the windshield-wipers and somehow managing to center myself in the road at the same time. >>; That probably isn't safe. >>; Then he made me go through a terrific effoft to park into a parking space at McDonalds (I haven't parked the car yet) just so he could get some FRENCH FRIES. =_= He ended up buying me a burger and I saw a girl from school working behind the counter (and felt so embarrassed because I wasn't wearing makeup), and the burger was so fantastically DISGUSTING I don't even know why I was craving it for four months. X_X *sigh* At least I got rid of one of my odd cravings... Now on to Wendy's frosties and Kit-Kats and Hannibal movies. XD

Right now I have the most fantastic headache. I can actually feel my pulse on the back of my skull. XD It's a little wierd, and I'm slightly worried that I have some sort of constricted blood flow now, since a majority of my headaches are more centered in the back of my head, but yeah. XP

And I fixed my new inking pen! ^____^ I broke the nib on accident a couple of weeks ago but today I bent it another way and it works! Kinda. XD But everything I tried to draw today turned into crumpled paper balls... Fucking artist's block.

And I really, really want to go to a library. X_X I'm dying. I need new books. Ever since I moved a year ago we haven't gone to a library or gotten new library cards, even though my mom promised us that we'd go several times. One can only read Harry Potter and the Twilight Saga before wanting to jump realities and kill Harry Potter and Bella Swan just for the hell of it... I really want to read the Hannibal books... And the book about Ed Gein. I wonder if the library would even have that book? *looks it up real quick* HOLY SHIT IT'S THERE. O_____O Now I really, really, really want to go to the library. Maybe my dad will be nice and he'll take me tomorrow... ><;;

Library... *twitch*

... cookie? ^w^

People really amaze me sometimes.

They pretend to be hurt for attention.
They lie to others because they're lonely.
They don't care about other people's feelings.

Right now I feel like Woody from Toy Story when he got pushed off the bed to make room for Buzz Lightyear.
(I know they're better than me.
You don't have to rub it in my face.)

We ignore each other.
We covet.
We pretend like we care.
Then we laugh when we realize the other person thought that we were serious.

Or is this all just me?
Is my mind so screwed up that I see smiles when others cry,
Or a grin at another person's pain?

Have I just been reduced to this heartless machine that stands there and watches everything go by in shades of grey?
Is it alright to silently wonder if everyone can see in color?

I feel like I'm losing touch with reality.
Not in the sense that I'm turning schitzophrenic- I don't hear voices.
It's just that I can't sense what's real anymore.
I can't tell the fakes from the real thing.
The lies from the truth.

It's kind of like cutting up my life into little tiny pieces and putting them in a blender and watching them get mixed up until they don't make sense anymore. Watching the colors of the rainbow turn into a nasty grey.

I've been standing around waiting for a physco with a gun to just show up at school and shoot me already. I've been waiting for a car accident, or a house fire.

Why do I deserve to listen to problems that don't concern me while I feel like I'm drowning in a deep well?
Like I've taken a misstep and fell into a grave?
Like I'm stuck in something so wrong and so messed up that I can't even afford to suck up enough courage to try to climb out?

I'll be sitting in the middle of class, and I'll look up and I'll think, "This isn't real. Nobodies really here. This is all in my head. I can leave if I want to."

Why can't my Morpheus just pop up already and offer me the blue and red pills? I'm sick of being stuck in this alternate reality where I feel like I'm suffocating, like the air is too thin.

...

Idk.

... COOKIES!!! ^_______________________________^

If I did commissions, would anyone buy them?

This is really random, but I feel like I should ask this at least once a year or die from the curiosity of not knowing. XD

They wouldn't be super expensive... Something between five and ten dollars for a picture on a full sheet of paper (I've been drawing BIG lately >>; ) ... And I'd mail them out and everything... I actually have a couple of dollars to buy some envelopes and stamps now.

So after three years, are my pictures worthy yet? XD

goddammit...

i feel so fucking uncomfortable and embarrassed...

i can't believe how stupid and ignorant i am.

i should just stick with dA. less conflicting forces. and after four years and trial and error, i know what to do and what not to do here.